It's Like It Wasn't There At All
by darkpetal202
Summary: ."...The pain I am feeling is overbearing, and empty at the same time. I just don’t want to feel anymore. I am not asking for euphoria, just painlessness. Just numbness. Just help." The true bittersweet story of a teenage heart


Based off of a true story.

All characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto

* * *

My story begins here, in my room, sitting on the bed, bottle in one hand, joint in the other. The pain I am feeling is overbearing, and empty at the same time. I just don't want to feel anymore. I am not asking for euphoria, just painlessness. Just numbness. Just help.

I spent all of last night crying, woke up with a wicked hangover, and knew that, without a doubt, I would see them tomorrow. I would see them, holding hands, gazing into each other's eyes, kissing passionately. I would see them. I once heard a long time ago, "The hardest thing to do is to watch the one you love, love someone else." I wish I could meet this person, the one that said this, and kill them. I knew this was true, I can tell from experience unfortunately.

I loved him…I love him. And yet, he knew. Ino told me he knew. He knew from the start, and he didn't care if it would hurt me…if it would kill me.

"I hate that douche bag." I would laugh…well, I would laugh at everything he said just to stroke his ego, but I laughed at that when we jumped out of Akiheto's car that one night.

"Then why are you friends with him?" I asked, walking up my hill side by side with him, two o'clock in the morning.

"He has a car." I laughed more…but I thought this so many times after that moment on, "Are you using me? I give you money…I give you beer…are you using me like Akiheto?"…I never voiced this aloud though.

I wasted my time on that prick…yet I still cant help the sobs that are vibrating through my chest and the salty liquid that is streaming down my face. Why do I open myself up like that, practically knowing from the start I am going to get hurt? I mean he's had sex before…I have never been kissed. He's seen the world…I have barely left my hometown.

Ino says that I would be better off without him now…and I really said aloud "I can't think of life without him, he's my best friend."…But I know she's right… I cant keep pretending that one day he will realize that we are meant to be together, sweep me off my feet and carry me away so we can live together forever…because this aint no fairytale…and fairytale princes aren't usually dicks.

Bet yet, he's still my prince charming

* * *

"Heeey Inoooo." I laughed loudly, and stood up from my seat on the floor, leaning my weight a bit too much to the side, almost tumbling over. "You name sounds funny on my tongue, Ino…Inoooo." Ino looked at me oddly for a moment before her eyes widened and she dragged me away from our group of friends.

"Sakura, what's going on? What did you do?" Her eyes clouded with concern as they roamed over my body. I was giggling the whole time she was speaking.

"I popped some," I leaned in close and whispered loudly "Xanex, before school. Now, I'm tiiired!" I stretched my hands above my head before I could hear my arms pop in relaxation. Ino's eyes widened at me as I saw Tenten walk over from the corner of my eye.

"Hey guys, what's going on?" She asked, dropping her bag at her feet. She looked between the two of us, her eyes going from Ino's shocked face, back to my grinning one.

"Tenten, your hair is so _long_!" I ran my hands through her hair, which she left down today. My hands got lost in her waves as I laughed loudly, the rest of our group looking over at us. Suddenly the bell rang, and I was acutely aware that I had math first today. I almost immediately sobered up. I reached for my bag and when I looked up, everyone was gone except for Ino looking down at me sadly.

"Just try and calm down during class, I don't want the teachers finding out and you getting in trouble okay?" I nodded my head, and turned to the direction of the staircase. Ino's hand encased my shoulder for a moment and I heard her mumble, "It'll get better." Before she let go and walked to English.

I walked up the stairs, my footsteps echoing with each step up I took. The sound vibrated off the walls vibrating in my ears a lot louder than usual. When I got to the second staircase, I slowed down. Right at the top of these stairs, I would be able to see my math room. I would also be able to see the math room right next door where she had class first block.

Taking a deep breath, I trudged up the stairs. Hey, I might get there before she does.

Of course, that's not the case. The second I made it up the staircase, I saw her standing outside of the math room, holding the hand of the boy I talked to just last night. The boy that I had spent everyday over the summer with. They boy who made me feel alive and made me smile, and made my heart flutter… And then they kissed.

And I broke down.

I walked right by them, and past my math room. Each step towards them was like I was ripping my heart a little bit at a time. Once I rounded the corner, I didn't care anymore. I sprinted towards the bathroom at the end of the hallway.

I didn't care that the late bell rang as I dropped my bag against the wall and clutched the sink. The automatic water went on and I watched it fall and swirl into the drain. Looking up into the mirror before me frowning in disapproval. There were huge bags under my eyes, my eyes were bloodshot, and my pupils were still dilated from the dutch I smoked on my way to school.

I scrunched my eyes and shook my head back and forth, my knuckles turning white while I breathed in through clenched teeth. Kicking the bottom of the sink, I walked into one of the stalls and leaned my head against the door. Beating my hand against it a few times,

I pulled out my keys from my pocket. Attached to the silver ring was a small pocketknife. I rolled up the sleeve of my flannel shirt. Finding the already self-inflicted puckering wound, I traced over it until I could feel a deep sting and red liquid seeping out into a line.

It is my vice.

Now don't judge, we all have ways of forgetting our problems. Some are binge eaters, others resort on adrenalin to cure their problems...I do this.

After a few moments, I clotted the blood as best as I could, and rolled my sleeve back down. Putting my keys back into my pocket, I waited a minute. Just stood there and waited. I didn't know what exactly I was waiting for. Maybe a revelation, or a sign. Either way, nothing happened.

Opening the stall, I roughly picked up my bag, and left to go to math.

"Hello Miss Haruno, so nice of you to join us." Ibiki-sensei said sarcastically, holding out his hand for a pass.

"I don't have a pass." I said, voice rough before I cleared it. I was standing in front of the room, Ibiki was staring me down, and all the eyes of the students were on me. I was starting to feel sick.

Ibiki sighed heavily and rolled his eyes. "Detention, after school Haruno." He walked back over to his desk while I scratched the back of my neck, continuing to stand in front of the class awkwardly. Every movement I made with my wrist made it ache. "Take your seat." I turned and could see Shino in the back of the classroom, eyebrows furrowed in concern. I took my seat in front of the classroom and put my head down, just wanting to get the day over with.

* * *

"Sakura." Ino said as she walked into our Social Studies class next block, Tenten following behind. "How are you?"

I looked up from my homework, which I failed to complete last night and was rushing to do before class started. "I'm fine Ino, okay?"

She looked taken aback as I just looked back down at my textbook as she slowly slipped into the seat next to me. "Do you…want to talk about it? Do you want to talk about him?"

I barely left any time between when she asked and when I answered, trying to get through with the fact that I don't want to talk about it. "No, I'm good. Not now at least."

Tenten who sat across from Ino looked back and forth between the two of us like she did this morning, but didn't question what was occurring. I could see Ino's mouth open as she was about to say something, but she closed it realizing that talking will get us no where right now. A paper was flashed into my line of view as she tossed it in my direction. "It's the homework. Copy it before Anko-sensei sees."

Class started right after I was able to copy down the work. Our table was silent in the ways of personal conversations as I stared down at the table blankly. Anko played videos like she always does in order to get out of teaching, and the second the lights went out, my head was on the desk and I could feel Ino's hand running comfortingly up and down my back as I drifted off to sleep.

I could hear voices in my sleep, which sounded a lot like Ino and Suigetsu conversing. He often stops by our class because his study hall is this block. I could hear tiny bits of the conversation they were having, and I knew it was about me. I stirred awake as Ino looked down at me and muttered a, "Hey."

She made sure her back was to Suigetsu before she rolled her eyes and pretend shot herself in the forehead. We started out liking him because he was dating our friend Temari, but we realized how annoying and socially awkward he was and now, we have a hard time standing him…Well, Ino and Tenten do, I still try and see the good in him.

"Hey there, you doing okay?" He asked, looking down at me. I realized the movie had ended, but the lights were still off and Anko-sensei had fallen asleep as well.

"Yea, I'm fine." I said stiffly as I turned in time to see Ino give him a hard stare.

"You know, Ino told me what you did last night…you shouldn't drink and smoke over a guy." He said as Ino's eyes got wide and she pushed her chair back and away from Suigetsu.

"Yea, but he's worth it. He's the only guy I ever loved." I said quietly and blankly, staring down at my desk again.

"Oh, hun." He said, grasping my shoulder. "Its not love, he's just the only guy that will spare you a passing glance and give you the time of day." He said, as Tenten stood from her chair, ready to pounce almost. "And besides, drinking makes a bad person."

My eye twitched in annoyance that I really wasn't in need for today. "Suigetsu, just by having one beer, it doesn't make you a bad person." I said looking at him hardly. No wonder he has no friends with these ideals, everyone in this school is a stoner who drinks to the max.

He let go of my shoulder and dropped it back to his said. "Then, I guess we have two different opinions."

That's the point of not return. I stood from my seat and looked down at him with rage. "Suigetsu, you are not making this any easier. Yesterday, you insult my religion, today, you practically tell me that no one will ever love me and that I am a horrible person! Now I realize why you have no friends! You are manipulative, and made it so Temari is getting into pointless fights with all of her friends, and you are so socially awkward to the point where I actually suggest you go and see some one about it!"

He stared at me for a moment, wide eyed as Ino tried to hold in her laughter and Tenten just stood there for a moment trying to register the fact that I actually yelled at him. "I can see this is a bad time. Hun, call me if you want to talk, okay?" He kissed my cheek as he walked towards the door, grabbing his backpack along the way.

My rage got the better of me as I yelled just before he closed the door, "And stop fucking calling me '_hun_'!"

"Haruno!" A voice shouted as I turned to see Anko with her hands on her hips in annoyance. "Detention, after school!"

"Can't." I said, picking up my bag and walking towards the door. "I already have it with Ibiki-sensei after school." Just as I stepped over the threshold, the bell rang signaling third block. Ino caught up with me as Tenten had to walk the other way to her locker.

"Hey, want me to walk you to your class?" She asked, trying to get a reaction of anything other than anger and sadness from me.

"Don't you walk by there anyway?" I asked, my eyes trailing the movements of my feet as we rounded the corner and came upon my art room.

Ino stood awkwardly there for a moment before hugging me and whispering into my ear that she needed to talk with me, and pronto about something. We parted ways as I entered my art room. The dusty scent of charcoals filled my senses and I immediately relaxed, the tension almost falling off of me in waves.

This and the darkroom of the school right next door are the only places I can just let go and not worry about the outside world. I am totally up for that right about now. Unfortunately the Xanex wore off about when I woke up so now I wasn't numb. Just wait till I get home. I can do that, I wont see them for the rest of the day, so just wait till I get home.

I set up my easel and retrieved my charcoal portrait from my cubby. Sighing I looked it over and popped my headphones into my ears and put it on shuffle. I laughed quite dryly and quite loudly as the song Lately by The Helio Sequence came on. I cant wait till I am at that place in life. That's something to look foreword to. That thought was the most I could give myself.

During the whole class, the seventy-four minutes I spent in that room, I only listened to that one song, rewinding, and replaying, rewinding, and replaying.

That much I can give myself.

* * *

I find myself here again tonight. The red walls are so familiar, and the bed, so comforting. Oh, yes, this is my room. Same red walls I saw the night before, same comforting bed I laid in the night before. It's like a repeat of last night. Bottle, bag, and knife scattered around me as smoke fills the room and rum burns my throat.

I am brought back to all the times I did this with him. Lying in this very bed. Staring at this very ceiling. It's all so familiar. I am afraid to look to my right, knowing he won't be there, lying beside me.

I remember my first big trip, and how it gave me a strong sense of deja vous. So strong, I thought life wasn't real, and tried to test its limits. He saved me that night from jumping off the bridge.

I remember his words the one night we almost were caught by the cops. He was so calm, so collected and in control. "If I am caught, I will get sent to juvie because I am already on probation, but I will do anything and everything in my power to make sure they don't see you. You have so much going for you, I refuse to let you get caught, I will protect you."

I think that's the very moment, that I fell in love.

I fell in love with a boy with a charming face. I fell in love with a boy who is so easy to talk to. I fell in love with a boy who I got lost in conversations with about things like politics and religion to simplistic things like what we had for dinner. I fell in love with a boy, not just for his handsome looks, but also for the way his mind worked… I fell in love with a boy who will never care for me as more than a friend. I fell in love with a boy who is notorious for using people to get what he wants. I fell in love with a boy who toyed with my emotions and knew that I fell in love with him, and used that to his advantage. I fell in love with a boy who killed me emotionally.

I fell in love with a boy who fell in love with an ex-friend of mine… I fell in love with a boy named Sai…who fell in love with a girl named Karin.

I took a deep drag of the joint in my hand and turned to the incense that was burning on my nightstand. As I watched the black, charring tip of the stick dwindle down, I thought over my predicament.

I try and think on the bright side. As Ino said last night, "As time goes by, you'll forget all about that stupid boy that hurt you junior year because he wasn't worth it anyways."…I damn sure hope she's right.

* * *

Sorry, I know I have been away for a while. My computer was down, but I promise to get working on the next chapter of GGBB soon. I have nothing personal against Suigetsu, I just needed a character that wasnt a main character to fill the place of this one kid. I will write more to this, but probably not until GGBB is at least close to finished. And yes, there is a reason it is under SakuSasu catagory, so just wait for further chapters. Thank you for reading.


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